Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Letter to America

Dear America,

We felt it was about time that we told you exactly what we think of you. We believe you are just too stupid to be trusted. We tried to tell you who to vote for in 2004, but did you listen? No. Instead you re-elected George W. Bush, who is worse than Hitler and Rush Limbaugh combined. We tried our very best to show you how your troops could never win in Iraq. We tried to warn you that if George W. Bush was re-elected your body would no longer be your own. We tried to make clear to you that if you re-elected George Bush then there would be a war with Iran, a draft, and further eroding of your civil rights. We did all this in the hopes that we could educate you about the danger George W. Bush posed. We tried our best to tell you how stupid, ignorant, and uncultured he was, but you were too busy worrying about “issues” to listen.

Following Bush/Hitlers re-election, we decided that you could no longer be trusted to pick the next president. We decided it was time for more qualified people to decide who should be the next president. It was clear that in order for this to be a success we could no longer rely on our standard level of influence in order to make sure that our pick won. We decided to abandon the few remaining vestiges of objectivity we clung to like so many fig leaves. We weren't about to rely on Hope for the Change we wanted.

Some of the more bold reporting we made could be seen on MSNBC and NBC where our foot soldiers for change slowly built the hype around our pick until his persona became that of hybrid rock star who could captivate crowds with nothing more than warm words like Hope and Change. All he had to do was stick to the script and we would do the rest. With our help there would be no question that this storybook tale would have a happy ending. With support that stretched from Chris Mathews to Oprah and the New York Times to Newsweek, it was clear that we were leaving nothing to chance. Unfortunately we were forced to cannibalize one of our own, in order to make our dream a reality.

The way in which we consistently undercut Hillary's campaign as “negative,” while concealing the early negativity of the Obama campaign, was especially effective. We tried to make clear to her that the decision had already been made, but some lessons have to be learned the hard way. If our treatment of one of our own was any clue, the Republicans should have been aware of what they could expect. We weren't about to subject one of our own to the “Republican treatment” and then spare their nominee. They thought that by picking a moderate we would be less inclined to play favorites. They were wrong.

With our guiding hands we were able to lead you down the path of change. Finally we will be able to point to our president and tell ourselves how progressive and enlightened we are, while we continue to see diversity through the prism of race rather than ideas. We will have dinner with our European friends and seek their favor by pointing out our efforts to make sure our nation made the correct “choice.” Alas, our mission is not complete.

Having our golden child elected was just the first step. The risk of failure is too great for us to stop now. We have moved on to the next phase. If our golden child were to fail, it would be on our hands. He was our pick after all. His failure would be our failure. Luckily we have the power to make sure that never happens. Regardless of the decisions he makes, he will remain the bright shining hope for a better tomorrow. The praise for success will be his, while the scorn for failure will be placed squarely upon the shoulders of George W. Bush.

A new day has dawned in America. We are now in the drivers seat. And deep down, we think you like it this way. As mere shadows of your forefathers, it's easier if you continue to listen to us from now on. Regardless of how things actually turn out, we will make you feel good about your “choice.” And honestly, isn't that what matters most?

The Press

1 comment:

dPublius said...

To our baby birds, we know you hunger for information. We will chew your food for you then regurgitate into your waiting open mouths. We have also clipped your wings so that you will stay in the nest and never feel the need to venture into the unknown to embrace independence and be rewarded by opportunity.