Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Times: They are a Changing

The Gray Lady is on her last leg. Earnings continue to decline, as does readership. Instead of trying to battle News Corp, the New York Times should focus on marketing uses of their paper, besides reading. I've compiled a list of alternative uses of the paper that the NY Times may want to promote in order to increase their circulation.

-Beloved Prop: When looking for a successful vehicle for a pansexual dilettante, you can't go wrong with the NY Times.

-Origami: Use your copy of the NY Times to make a small piece of folded paper art that can demonstrate both your creativity and lack of a life.

-Book Cover: Nothing says trip me and call me a queer like wrapping a textbook in the NY Times

-Prison Body Armor: Provide your attacker with something to read while he tenderizes your internal organs.

-Fly Swatter: Nothing says class like sitting out on your favorite lawn chair and smacking yourself on your man boobs with the newspaper of record

-Poop Collection Device: Whether it's for the dog you're walking or a schizophrenic neighbor, you'll be prepared with the NY Times.

-Clever Disguise: The special person you're stalking suddenly looks in your direction. Nothing says nonchalant like holding the NY Times to cover your face, while facing the dressing rooms at Victoria's Secret..

-Stupidity Correction Device: When rolled up the NY Times is highly effective at stopping stupid behavior when applied vigorously to small animals and contributors at HuffPo.

-Housebreak a Puppy: Let's say you can't afford a taser or you've run out of batteries. Why not use the NY Times until the future licker of peanut butter is trained?

-Cage Liner: Whether for an exotic pet or an excitable liberal commentator like Chris Matthews, you'll always be covered with the NY Times.

-Fire Starter: The NY Times, especially effective for the arsonist who wants to avoid drawing attention.

-Diaper: Whether you run out of pampers for a baby or a drunk date decides to hit rock bottom, you'll be ready with the NY Times.

-Decorative Hat: When you want to let the rest of the people on the bus know that the voices in your head are especially loud today, throw on your hat made of the NY Times.

-Paper Mache Art: The love you feel for Barack Obama is hard to express. Why not make a life size paper mache sculpture of his lower torso?

-Airplane: A classic for all ages. The plane will entertain small children and those tripping on acid, while its flight path accurately portrays the future of the NY Times.

Best of luck, Gray Lady. There's always granny porn to fall back on.

1 comment:

jenniferwaite said...

Nothing says trip me and call me a queer like wrapping a textbook in the NY Times

HA +500 btw, I'm totally using that.